Dear Diary….

 

 WELCOME 2018!!!!!!!

Welcome 2018 – so nice to see you! Happy that you’re finally here!! Last year was way too hectic and stressful and challenging so I’m overdue for nice easy year, I reckon. I said in a blog post recently that I’ll briefly tell you about how crazy this year was and so here goes…

The year began still with my son and I still living in my deceased mother’s house as my family started to figure out what to do with it. (You’ll know from previous posts that living there was not easy). Without going into gory details, I will tell you now that during those months leading up to us moving into our new home in April, my family was splitting up. A family of four siblings had become so hostile and aggressive on one side that it was alienating the other side. Arguments, mistaken resentments and hostility caused so much tension that was then stretched and stretched till it broke under the pressure. Such tension and infighting lead to the complete meltdown of our family into two halves and I walked away from mum’s house, the house I grew up in,  in tears knowing I’d never see it again as I knew I’d never see two of my siblings again.

That’s what was happening when I was moving into my house. Remember how excited over the move I was? But I was heartbroken at the time too. Excited to be out from underneath the oppressive atmosphere but with a family that was smashed to smithereens. The house hunting process was incredibly stressful on its own let alone adding to it a family falling apart. These conflicting emotions were unbearable and excruciatingly painful and were sapping at my strength and health for too long……So much so that I ended up getting badly sick with bronchitis and almost pneumonia – remember when I mentioned that in one of my blogs? I was sick for weeks and bed ridden for days. Hadn’t been sick that badly in a long time but it’s because of all the stuff I’d been dealing with. Anyway, through all of that, I had to fight and fight hard to rebuild my strength after years of ongoing familial tensions. I’ve now had almost a year of counselling to deal with the grief and trauma of discovering my mother, all the residual issues there and dealing with the fallout of the will and the siblings fighting, the screaming matches, the bitterness.

I didn’t mention all these private things in my blog posts when it was happening because my blog post is a happy place and I couldn’t bear to speak about it. I didn’t want everyone to know what was really happening in my life – I didn’t want them to see that the happy go lucky Zelly that they are used to, isn’t so happy go lucky at all. It was my way of coping at the time and only a few people knew the truth. But counselling helped as did the higher dosages of antidepressants.

One thing that really helped to save me during that time was that soon after recovering from “almost pneumonia” as my doctor called it, I began to immerse myself in getting my book ready for publishing. It gave me strength and positivity and joy and gave me something good to focus on that I desperately needed at that time. Some of you know already that I live in daily physical pain and have for a couple of years now. With all this personal drama happening in my private life, my public life online – blogging and needing to deal with book stuff – that became my God-send; something I was truly grateful for because those things brought so much joy into my life. Happiness to counteract so much sadness and stress. Every single one of you have helped me in some way to get through 2017. If I’ve spoken to you, messengered, tweeted, instagrammed or facebooked with you at all during the year, know that you unwittingly held my hand, offered me solace and strength and unquestioning friendship and that gave me strength to deal with all the bad stuff. You won’t ever really know how much you helped me as I can’t find the appropriate words. There’s also a few people who have been the very very best friends a person could ever wish for and I love them dearly. You know who you are.

Thankfully as time went on, things slowly got better and then the UTTER euphoria of the book release!! What a joy, what an achievement and a real blessing! Hallelujah! Now you know why I cried so much when I held it in my hand for the first time. So as much as the year started off so negatively, it got better slowly, very slowly and then it became FABULOUS!! From the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. That mean ole rollercoaster that I desperately wanted to get off, once and for all.

The year finished off with a gradual awakening to the fact that my new life – without half my family – is now my new normal. Family occasions are now smaller and you feel the loss of people who would normally be sitting at your table with you, even if those people are the cause of your misery. Sometimes, certain people in your life can be toxic for you and sometimes those people can be your family members. But….we aren’t the first family nor will we be the last that this has happened to. It is what it is.

Also sadly, a handful of days before Christmas, my son’s Godmother, a woman of my age who I’ve known for 40 years, best friends for close to 30, passed away and we had her funeral on the 27th December. It was another huge shock and incredibly sad. I was heartbroken for the family she’s left behind and the life experiences she’ll never get to have but in amongst all my tears over her, the realisation came that in a way, her leaving this planet at the end of this year, a year where I’d already lost so many people – well, it was kind of fitting, you know? It was a sense of finality that reminded me that life can be very short and don’t waste it filling it with toxic people who don’t love you unconditionally, who don’t share your dreams and cares and who do simply wish to see you happy. Find THAT tribe….sometimes they’re not in your family. And I sincerely hope each of you find that tribe. Then love them hard.

As a dear friend said to me – the death of my life long friend is a reminder to look forward, let the past pain go and live! My apologies if this was TMI but I did say once that I’d tell you and I’ve given you the synopsis only – the details are way too much and way too painful to go into. And I’ve worked hard to let it go. (Still working actually but nearly there).

This step – of sharing what was really happening “behind the scenes” as such – this was a big step in the healing process. You have no idea how hard it is for me to show people my vulnerability – I’m the type that always goes forth smiling and pretending everything is okay when in reality it’s not. It’s been a big lesson for me this year – learning that it’s okay to show the “world”, not just a select few, that things aren’t always okay. To show that in fact things are downright shitty. To learn that people will be okay with you not always being happy and smiley and positive. And if they’re not okay with it, then that’s their bad luck, not mine.

A very big lesson indeed. I’m still learning it.

I wasn’t meant to go into it this much. Sigh……

It was meant to be brief and then I’d talk about all the other subjects I had planned to blog about tonight. Instead, it became a confessional in some ways. Sorry about that folks. 😐 Hopefully you won’t mind too much and you’ve gotten to know me some more in the process. But it means that if I continue with the things I planned then it’s gonna end up one mighty long-ass blog! Better if I just save that till tomorrow or the day after.

So, yeah…2017 was a bitch of a year…crazy highs, bad lows but it’s gone FINALLY and 2018 is gonna kick butt!

Kick butt and take NO PRISONERS – I just know it will.

Did you know that 2018 is an an 11 year in Numerology? It IS and that means new beginnings, new adventures and new manifestations!! Isn’t that awesome?? I intend to make it a great personal year – got lots of things planned and Lord knows, anything will be an improvement on the last twelve months. It’s my year, I’ve decided. I’ve been to hell and back….and that’s enough. Wayyyyy enough.

It’s my turn.

Say it with me people, loud and strong……

ITS MY TURN!!!!!!!!!

Yes, damn it, it’s YOUR year. It’s an 11 year! A Master Number year! Go for it!!  Grab this new year and make it YOURS people!! I’ll be in your corner cheering you on. Just as I know you’ll cheer me on. Onwards and upwards, always.

Thanks for listening and as always, I’d love to hear from you.

Much love,

Zelly 💜💞💜💞