Dear Diary….

 

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 WELCOME 2018!!!!!!!

Welcome 2018 – so nice to see you! Happy that you’re finally here!! Last year was way too hectic and stressful and challenging so I’m overdue for nice easy year, I reckon. I said in a blog post recently that I’ll briefly tell you about how crazy this year was and so here goes…

The year began still with my son and I still living in my deceased mother’s house as my family started to figure out what to do with it. (You’ll know from previous posts that living there was not easy). Without going into gory details, I will tell you now that during those months leading up to us moving into our new home in April, my family was splitting up. A family of four siblings had become so hostile and aggressive on one side that it was alienating the other side. Arguments, mistaken resentments and hostility caused so much tension that was then stretched and stretched till it broke under the pressure. Such tension and infighting lead to the complete meltdown of our family into two halves and I walked away from mum’s house, the house I grew up in,  in tears knowing I’d never see it again as I knew I’d never see two of my siblings again.

That’s what was happening when I was moving into my house. Remember how excited over the move I was? But I was heartbroken at the time too. Excited to be out from underneath the oppressive atmosphere but with a family that was smashed to smithereens. The house hunting process was incredibly stressful on its own let alone adding to it a family falling apart. These conflicting emotions were unbearable and excruciatingly painful and were sapping at my strength and health for too long……So much so that I ended up getting badly sick with bronchitis and almost pneumonia – remember when I mentioned that in one of my blogs? I was sick for weeks and bed ridden for days. Hadn’t been sick that badly in a long time but it’s because of all the stuff I’d been dealing with. Anyway, through all of that, I had to fight and fight hard to rebuild my strength after years of ongoing familial tensions. I’ve now had almost a year of counselling to deal with the grief and trauma of discovering my mother, all the residual issues there and dealing with the fallout of the will and the siblings fighting, the screaming matches, the bitterness.

I didn’t mention all these private things in my blog posts when it was happening because my blog post is a happy place and I couldn’t bear to speak about it. I didn’t want everyone to know what was really happening in my life – I didn’t want them to see that the happy go lucky Zelly that they are used to, isn’t so happy go lucky at all. It was my way of coping at the time and only a few people knew the truth. But counselling helped as did the higher dosages of antidepressants.

One thing that really helped to save me during that time was that soon after recovering from “almost pneumonia” as my doctor called it, I began to immerse myself in getting my book ready for publishing. It gave me strength and positivity and joy and gave me something good to focus on that I desperately needed at that time. Some of you know already that I live in daily physical pain and have for a couple of years now. With all this personal drama happening in my private life, my public life online – blogging and needing to deal with book stuff – that became my God-send; something I was truly grateful for because those things brought so much joy into my life. Happiness to counteract so much sadness and stress. Every single one of you have helped me in some way to get through 2017. If I’ve spoken to you, messengered, tweeted, instagrammed or facebooked with you at all during the year, know that you unwittingly held my hand, offered me solace and strength and unquestioning friendship and that gave me strength to deal with all the bad stuff. You won’t ever really know how much you helped me as I can’t find the appropriate words. There’s also a few people who have been the very very best friends a person could ever wish for and I love them dearly. You know who you are.

Thankfully as time went on, things slowly got better and then the UTTER euphoria of the book release!! What a joy, what an achievement and a real blessing! Hallelujah! Now you know why I cried so much when I held it in my hand for the first time. So as much as the year started off so negatively, it got better slowly, very slowly and then it became FABULOUS!! From the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. That mean ole rollercoaster that I desperately wanted to get off, once and for all.

The year finished off with a gradual awakening to the fact that my new life – without half my family – is now my new normal. Family occasions are now smaller and you feel the loss of people who would normally be sitting at your table with you, even if those people are the cause of your misery. Sometimes, certain people in your life can be toxic for you and sometimes those people can be your family members. But….we aren’t the first family nor will we be the last that this has happened to. It is what it is.

Also sadly, a handful of days before Christmas, my son’s Godmother, a woman of my age who I’ve known for 40 years, best friends for close to 30, passed away and we had her funeral on the 27th December. It was another huge shock and incredibly sad. I was heartbroken for the family she’s left behind and the life experiences she’ll never get to have but in amongst all my tears over her, the realisation came that in a way, her leaving this planet at the end of this year, a year where I’d already lost so many people – well, it was kind of fitting, you know? It was a sense of finality that reminded me that life can be very short and don’t waste it filling it with toxic people who don’t love you unconditionally, who don’t share your dreams and cares and who do simply wish to see you happy. Find THAT tribe….sometimes they’re not in your family. And I sincerely hope each of you find that tribe. Then love them hard.

As a dear friend said to me – the death of my life long friend is a reminder to look forward, let the past pain go and live! My apologies if this was TMI but I did say once that I’d tell you and I’ve given you the synopsis only – the details are way too much and way too painful to go into. And I’ve worked hard to let it go. (Still working actually but nearly there).

This step – of sharing what was really happening “behind the scenes” as such – this was a big step in the healing process. You have no idea how hard it is for me to show people my vulnerability – I’m the type that always goes forth smiling and pretending everything is okay when in reality it’s not. It’s been a big lesson for me this year – learning that it’s okay to show the “world”, not just a select few, that things aren’t always okay. To show that in fact things are downright shitty. To learn that people will be okay with you not always being happy and smiley and positive. And if they’re not okay with it, then that’s their bad luck, not mine.

A very big lesson indeed. I’m still learning it.

I wasn’t meant to go into it this much. Sigh……

It was meant to be brief and then I’d talk about all the other subjects I had planned to blog about tonight. Instead, it became a confessional in some ways. Sorry about that folks. 😐 Hopefully you won’t mind too much and you’ve gotten to know me some more in the process. But it means that if I continue with the things I planned then it’s gonna end up one mighty long-ass blog! Better if I just save that till tomorrow or the day after.

So, yeah…2017 was a bitch of a year…crazy highs, bad lows but it’s gone FINALLY and 2018 is gonna kick butt!

Kick butt and take NO PRISONERS – I just know it will.

Did you know that 2018 is an an 11 year in Numerology? It IS and that means new beginnings, new adventures and new manifestations!! Isn’t that awesome?? I intend to make it a great personal year – got lots of things planned and Lord knows, anything will be an improvement on the last twelve months. It’s my year, I’ve decided. I’ve been to hell and back….and that’s enough. Wayyyyy enough.

It’s my turn.

Say it with me people, loud and strong……

ITS MY TURN!!!!!!!!!

Yes, damn it, it’s YOUR year. It’s an 11 year! A Master Number year! Go for it!!  Grab this new year and make it YOURS people!! I’ll be in your corner cheering you on. Just as I know you’ll cheer me on. Onwards and upwards, always.

Thanks for listening and as always, I’d love to hear from you.

Much love,

Zelly 💜💞💜💞

 

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11 thoughts on “Dear Diary….

  1. Yes good riddance to 2017, it was a really crappy year for me too. I am in awe of the way you managed to pull through & turn everything around for yourself & I’m so happy that things ended on a much happier note for you! I’m trying to follow your example of believing in your own inner strengths & talents & pushing through no matter how hard the climb may seem! Well done dear Zelly & I hope 2018 will be a wonderful year for us both! I can’t wait for your next book, I know it will be fantastic! xo

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    1. Thanks Hun. As horrible as it was, it’s now shaped me in a way that I’m grateful for. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone but I also know others have gone through so much worse. I hope that this new year brings you much more happiness too. Peace and health and all things good. I believe you, Mary, can overcome anything and I hope you know that when you need to lean on people, that people who truly care for you will be there for you. The others….good riddance. 💞

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      1. Thanks hun! That goes both ways! 😘💕

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  2. Hey Z.
    Don’t ever apologise for saying how you feel! By sharing you are including us in your journey. If some people do not want to come with us they can stop reading! I agree with you, family are not always the people you are related to and it turns out those you are related to are not always Family. Sending you a virtual hug! Hoping for a year of happy days! 2018 is our year!

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    1. So true Lee Lee. As I discovered this year. But as you said , it’s a New Year and it’s gonna be an awesome one for us!

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  3. So true many points you made! Happy to watch you grow and get back on your feet in such a wonderful way! Isn’t it crazy how this show brought you the right people into your life to help when you needed it? Still in awe! I believe we all were meant to live in the same place and be best friends! love you Zelly!

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    1. Yes, I believe these things don’t happen randomly. Certain people are just meant to be in my life and yeah, Batb has been one of my life’s biggest, most amazing blessings, other than my son. The ripple effect or butterfly effect or whatever it’s called has been just extraordinary! Love you too Ruth and God willing, one day I get to hug you in real life! 💞

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  4. Dear Zelly ~ Families are complicated and messy. We have an imagine of what it should be like ~ but that is not “true life” I guess. As I am struggling with family issues too, you helped to ease the sadness of the situation. You are amazing with all you have done. I so enjoyed your book and look forward to more blogs from you. By the way, I purchased another book to give to a friend of mine. May your New Year be kind and peaceful!!!

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    1. Oh Phyllis, I’m sorry to hear that you’re having family issues. I hope that they improve, Hun. Or if they can’t, then I hope peace can be achieved somehow and your family stay together. If my opening up about my year and revealing stuff has in anyway helped you to deal with your situation, then I’m glad I spoke about it. I’ve been feeling quite relieved since I wrote the blog last night – it was like a release, truly. And with your words, you’ve proven again to me how you can never really know how your words affect others. In either a good or bad way. Should you ever need to talk about your issues, just contact me.

      Also, how wonderful you are to pimp out my book that way! Thankyou so much. I hope she enjoys it and maybe she can join us all on the Beastie wild side! Lol. 💞💞💞

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  5. Thankyou my sweet friend.. I wish you a wonderful new year! Honestly…as I said, my book was my God-send, my saviour – it absolutely helped me stay sane. And now for all of us, I wish us a kickbutt 2018!!!!

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  6. Inger Sköllermark January 4, 2018 — 11:56 pm

    Hi Zelly, and a Happy 2018 to you and to all of us! I agree, 2017 was a really shitty year and I´m glad it is gone.
    A family falling apart is nothing we wish to happen – but sometimes it does. I must say I admire your strength being able to finish that wonderful, awesome book our yours in the midst of it all.
    I wish you all the best and looking forward to reading your future blogs.
    Inger

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